Yesterday was my BIG f-ing day. I was thinking of letting it all go and to not allow it to affect me but it just doesn’t leave so I thought maybe bursting this all out would make me feel better. I guess this is now the time to attest why I created this blog and give justice as to why I chose wordysilence as my blog’s id name.

What happened yesterday was one example of a situation from which all my thoughts about are all kept inside. Thanks for the idea of having this blog, I can type it all out without having someone get irritated by listening to all my dramas.

Defensive might be the best word to describe me for the succeeding blah blah’s I will type but I do not really intend to be like that.

So… I SUCK-ED at where I stood.

One thing I hate about myself is that I want everything to turn out well but even when I notice that it’s leading through the wrong path I just ignore it. What’s annoying is when it’s all over and all mischief were done I end up saying what I call THE LOSER LINE,

“I should’ve done better.”

I didn’t have the power. I don’t have any power. If I do, it’s never my nature anymore to use it. The eagerness of using it has left me for a long time. The essence of it has been washed in my head. I’m past this thing since I entered high school. Maybe because of competition. Maybe because I thought somebody was better than me. After realizing that, I decided to lie low. Halfway of my teenage life they saw my potential so they trusted and picked me. I accepted it and did my best to not let them down. In the end, though everybody believed I did well, the L line was all I had to say.

What hurt the most was the re-appointment looked as if it was intended to just kick me out of the line. Apparently it really wasn’t the idea but it seemed like it, it felt like it. And I knew that most, if not all, noticed that too.

I’m sorry that the communication had not been very effective. I’m sorry that I didn’t believe I also have the power to rule everyone. I’m sorry I didn’t meet all your expectations. And I’m sorry that I did all that had been asked for me to do. If all that’s lacking for me to be considered as dependable was for all my work to be “pronounced”, well, sorry but I believe I didn’t have to do that. And I knew I had the right thing in my mind.

It’s over and I’m so glad that it is finally over. After clicking the publish button, what happened will be put into trash and my world will continue to circle around my actual goal.

Labels: Personal, rants, School